My New Year's resolution this year is to embrace 30. You know that means - good-bye to my twenties, and being a young lady. I've spent the last ten years in ministry with teenagers, dating pretty much well, everyone, and helping my sisters get married & have babies. It's been a decade of heart break, sleeping on classroom floors and spider-filled sleeping bags, Band-aids, Italy, luxurious dates, lots of Jane Austen, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings movies, dark coffee, waiting and a lot, and a lot, of work.
Mostly, it's been a lot of waiting. Not a lot of gratitude. And not a lot of enjoying the present moment.
I know turning 30 won't magically change who I am - inside or out. But I know Christ can do anything. Even with my impatient, wish-I'd-had-it-yesterday, ungrateful heart. People sometime ask me why I believe in God. Usually I tell them it's because of the early martyrs, whose blood was the seed of the Church. Surely they had to have some certain hope, right, in order to be eaten by lions?!
But really, it's because I know something just as real as they did. It's because every time I've fallen, every time I break, Jesus has put me back together and put me on my feet. He's made me soar (especially when I want to burrow). My life has been a series of everyday Easter after Easter.
So I've learned in my 20's that in order to rise, we have to die. In order to say Hello to who you truly are, you have to say Good-Bye to who you thought you'd be by now. So hello Anna J, good-bye heart.
A bunch of my friends posted homages to their 20's on Facebook and I suppose this is my version. For Lent this year I'm going to try to write 1000 words a day. I hope sometimes it's more. Sometimes it will be a lesson plan that I have to work on, or a blog for a few projects I'm trying to work for. Either way, I'm hoping this Lent will be the Lord's way, His way of asking me to share what I've been holding inside.
I've tried to start about a dozen blogs before and always lose commitment. Sort of like my relationships. I think it's because I always wanted to focus on one thing I was the expert on - working with teenagers, or Harry Potter or the book I wrote as a teenager. This blog is just about now, about everything God is doing, and if that's boring or self-centered, that's okay - I'm only doing this to glorify God anyway, knowing that in this journey - as all journeys - He will be. He will be glorified. I will find Him. But I must be willing to get lost, to get hurt. I have to be willing to begin.
If you're like me, you hate waiting. If you're like me, you hate working when you're not sure what the end goal is. If you're like me - and you're single - you might be waiting and working and looking and searching for Marriage.... instead of happiness.
If you're like me, you need this Lent - or this transitional year of your life, no matter how old you are - to be different. You need to change. Ash Wednesday isn't for a few more days but, I've learned, that one way to start any new life is to start when the Spirit tells you to. Start living the New Year in December. Start living your redeemed life before you head to Confession. Start over with the One you've hurt and it might give you the courage to say I'm sorry. Start dying in order to rise. Hello New Day, Good-bye Broken Heart.